Mistakes

So I am randomly feeling super sad. I used to feel like this all the time when I lived with my parents. I felt like I could never do anything right and that I was ugly and a horrible person, etc. I don't exactly feel all of those things right now...but I do feel some of them.

When I went home over the weekend, awful things happened. I ended up fighting with my family BIG time. Really most of the reason why we fought was my fault. And that is why I titled this post 'Mistakes'. I made a big one.

I feel so terrible about it. And something that my family is known for is letting things linger. I don't want to say they hold a grudge, but they take a very long time to get over things when I mess them up. So after the fact, I feel worse and worse as each day goes by about my mistake. And I feel like there is nothing I can do. I apologized multiple times, but my step-mom says she 'doesn't believe that I really am sorry'. If they don't believe I am sorry, how can I even begin to fix things? I feel like I can't, and that's the worst feeling ever.

All I know now is that I really just want to cry randomly a lot. I haven't really felt that way in so long. I feel like every since I got sick, I gained so much weight. And I have lost a little since I moved to college, but not enough. I don't feel pretty. On top of that, I feel so disconnected from my family again. Sometimes I question whether I am capable of keeping a strong and healthy relationship with my family. I feel like I never please them. Even when I try so hard, I mess things up...A LOT. It breaks my heart knowing that I do not have a true 'home' other than college. So when I go 'home', I am going back to Glendale, but I never know where I will be staying. And finding somewhere to stay is so chaotic. I am so sad, because during this last weekend, my baby sister even was hurt by me. I wish there was a button I could press that could just fix it all. But there isn't, and I am just left here with prayer to God as my only option. I hope eventually that will get me somewhere.

I wish I could vent in more detail about what happened, but I don't want to publish anything too hurtful or personal to the internet. Hopefully by the weekend I don't feel so depressed. I will check in soon.

Amanda